Willard Van Orman Quine 1908-2000
Nationality: from the United States
Group Alliances:Antagonistic" Analytic Philosophers"Loathsome" Logicists"Homocidal" Holistic Empiricists"No-good" Naturalists
AKA: Quick Quine"Quit Whinin'" QuineStormin' Van OrmanWillard the KillerVanPowers: in 1951, he punched through the wall between the legendary twin cities of Analyti City and Syntheti City, thereby debunking the Empiricist Dogma that Analyti City was populated
weaknesses: possible world semantics, baldness
Notes: W. V. Quine™ is a ruthless warrior who always follows the Maxim of Maximal Mutilation. When he races into battle, his war cry "GAVAGAI!" pierces the air, terrifying his foes, even though no one knows what it means.
Bertrand Russell 1872-1970Nationality: British
Group Alliances:"Antagonistic" Analytic Philosophers"Loathsome" Logicists"Noisome" Nobel Laureates
AKA: Hurtin’ BertrandRussell the Logic MuscleRussell "Wanna Tussle?"The Principal of MathematicsThe Third Earl Russell
Powers: comprehension of setsWeaknesses: radical political views about war and nuclear weapons being bad
Notes: Mail in a proof of purchase for this toy (plus $4.95 S & H) and receive either a Present King of France® action figure with removable toupee or a copy of Waverly by Scott!
Ludwig Wittgenstein 1889-1951Nationality: German
Group Alliances:"Libertine" Linguistic Philosophers
AKA: Hoodwink LudwigStood-Big LudwigDr. Wittgenstein's MonsterThe Silencer
Powers: poker-wielding ability
Weaknesses: teaching ability
Notes: Wittgenstein figures come in two variations: the early model's recorded messages include nonsense about language being a "picture" of the world, while the later model's messages include nonsense about games and their "family resemblances" to one another. It's fun to communicate! (Doll does not actually communicate. Children who claim that Wittgenstein figures talk to them with their own "private language" are mistaken or lying and should be severely beaten by their teachers.)
Gottlob Frege 1848-1925Nationality: German
Group Alliances:"Loathsome" Logicists"Ragin'" RealistsAKA: Mega FregeAin't Afraid-a ya FregePlague-ya FregeNot Slob GottlobFounder of Modern LogicPowers: first axiomatization of logic; knowledge of eternal, immaterial entities
Weaknesses: Russell's Paradox, unpopular with publishers
Notes: While most toy collectors believe Gottlob Frege was the founder of modern logic, many do not believe that Friedrich Ludwig Frege was the founder of modern logic. This ignorance is a sad fact, especially for those who endorse a denotational theory of meaning. Of course, there's a sense in which this toy is educational, but it doesn't make any sense to demand that a toy teach children everything at once. Some children may sense that they're not getting the whole story, and the most sensible of those will go read a book. May we suggest The Children's Guide to Frege, which is available from Philosophical Powers Press for 17 dollars and 95 cents.
Friedrich Nietzsche 1844-1900Nationality: German
Group Alliances:"Exacerbating" Existentialists"Aggressive" Atheists"Reprehensible" Relativists
AKA: Beat-ya NietzscheNice Guy FreddieRight Said FredZarathustraPowers: remarkably original, ahead of his time
Weaknesses: crazy
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 1770-1831Nationality: German
Group Alliances:“Genocidal” German Idealists“Abominable” Absolute Idealists
AKA: Hateful Hegel"Stay Still" Hegel"Great While Fighting" HegelThe Antithesis with Fifty Fists
Powers: he is infiniteWeaknesses: he is finite
Notes: These figures are highly collectible, so people who buy them now can expect them to become more and more valuable as time passes.
Immanuel Kant 1724-1804Nationality: Prussian
Group Alliances:"Terrible" Transcendental Idealists"Destructive" Deontologists"Contemptible" Constructivists
AKA: Hometown MannyThe Punctual PrussianThe VirginThe Categorical ImperatorI've Fallen and I Kant Get UpThe Greatest Modern Philosopher
Powers: follows rules well, can leap as high as hundreds of times his own height
Weaknesses: sometimes seen as overly critical
Notes: This figure is, of course, only the phenomenal Kant toy. The deluxe version, Noumenal Self® Kant, is available only on special order and costs $339.95 (plus tax and S&H). The reader may wonder, "Why is Kant blue with red tiger stripes?" Well, why twelve categories? I don't know. It was decided that a toy representing as important a philosopher as Kant ought to be unique in some way, that there ought to be some kind of toyly manifestation of his philosophical greatness. Blue with red tiger stripes was deemed sufficiently bad ass.
David Hume 1711-1776Nationality: Scottish
Group Alliances: "Brutal" British Empiricists "Scary" Skeptics
AKA: Boomin' Hume The Hume-an Time Bomb Doom HumeTo Hume Am I Speaking?The Inductor
Powers: Scottish Karate, local skepticismWeaknesses: Never really sure about anything other than the contents of his own experience
Notes: Look! Hume's pants are the missing shade of blue!
George Berkeley1685-1753Nationality: Irish
Group Alliances:"Brutal" British Empiricists "Infamous" Idealists Catholic Church
AKA: Shark-ley Berkeley No Holds Barred-keley Da Bishop George "You're Berking Up the Wrong Tree" BerkeleyPowers: God on his side (not a unique power among Moderns), ninja stealth skills
Weaknesses: eye-closing defense is vulnerable to Samuel Johnson's™ Rock-Kicking® attack.
John Locke 1632-17Nationality: English
Group Alliances:"Brutal" British Empiricists "Sorrow-causin'" Social Contract Theorists
KA: Locke-down Locke-jaw Shock-em Locke Rock-em Locke Clock-em Locke Sock-em Jock-em Locke Locke-upPrimary qualities: invulnerability, super strengthSecondary qualities: smells great, facility with prose
Notes: The face in Locke's nineteenth-century schoolboy slate is Leibniz. Children can allegorically act out the innateness debate which was so thrillingly portrayed in Leibniz' New Essay Concerning Human Understanding by having two dolls fight. Leibniz' contribution to the debate is, of course, all very posthumous as far as Locke is concerned, but that doesn't stop one from pretending the dolls are fighting. And a barrel-chested action figure with an enormous wig is objectively funny.
Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz 1646-1716Nationality: German
Group Alliances:"Contumelious" Continental Rationalists"Nasty" Nativists
AKA: All-Biz LeibnizSlides-In LeibnizLeibnizouse in da HizouseG. DubyaLeibn-IT'S ALIVE!Powers: monads
Weaknesses: monadsNotes: As these Leibniz figures are painstakingly manufactured to be exactly alike (even in regard to spatio-temporal location), collectors will be disappointed to discover that there is only one in existence, in accord with Leibniz' Law. Also try Leibniz' delicious cookies!
Baruch Spinoza 1632-1677Nationality: Jewish/Portugese/Dutch
Group Alliances:"Contumelious" Continental Rationalists"Destructive" Determinists"Pernicious" Pantheists
AKA: Spinoza the BulldozaSpinoza Spins Over YaThrows Ya SpinozaBenedictus de Spinoza
Powers: knowledge of the infinite intellect of God, invisibility
Weaknesses: geometric method, excommunication
René Descartes 1596-1650Nationality: French
Group Alliances:"Contumelious" Continental Rationalists"Duelin'" Dualists
AKA: "Don't Start" Descartes"Rip Ya Apart" DescartesDescartes Ya Away When He's DoneThe Meditator
Powers: certainty, laser visionWeaknesses: Cartesian circle, susceptibility to bronchial ailments
Notes: Watch for figures with special bonus pack of accessories (includes: dressing gown, paper, piece of wax, man with earthenware head, man who is a pumpkin, man made of glass, and human pineal gland)!
Saint Thomas Aquinas 1225-1274Nationality: Italian
Group Alliances:"Scoundrel" Schoolmen"Monstrous" Moderate Realists"Dominating" Dominicans"Sadistic" Saints
AKA: "Acquires It" AquinasTommy-Gun AquinasAquino da RhinoTom Thumbscrews"He's No Saint" AquinasThe Angelic Doctor
Powers: breathes underwaterWeaknesses: sainthood not all it's cracked up to be
Notes: With this toy, children can pretend that Aquinas says to his enemies that he will "get medieval on their asses."
Saint Anselm 1033-1109Nationality: Italian
Group Alliances:"Scoundrel" Schoolmen"Thorny" Theists"Belligerent" Benedictines"Sadistic" Saints
AKA: Handsome AnselmDancin' AnselmAnselm of "Count 'n' Bury"An-SalmonellaAnselm of Canterbury
Powers: the power to preserve rectitude of the will for its own sakeWeaknesses: vulnerable to Gaunilo's™ Perfect Island® attack
Notes: The manufacturing process has painstakingly increased the perfection of these toys by giving them the property of existence. A consequence of the toys' high quality is that they are so expensive that they can be paid for only with money that is both fully divine and fully money.
Augustine 354-430Nationality: from Numidia, a Roman province in northern AfricaGroup
Alliances:"Nefarious" Neoplatonists"Thorny" Theists "Sadistic" Saints
AKA: Bustin' AugustineCussin' AugustineA-Gustin' WindAurelius Augustinus
Powers: cognition aided by divine illumination; shape shifting abilityWeaknesses: inability to do anything that will earn the divine grace necessary to make up for original sin
Notes: These toys come with with a 224-page minicomic, Concussions of Saint Augustine, explaining the character's origin and describing some of his amazing adventures!
Aristotle 384-322 B.C.E.
Nationality: Greek
Group Alliances:"Angry" Ancients"Vicious" Virtue Ethicists
AKA: Careless Aristotle"Spare Us" AristotleAris-Total Destruction"Beware His Throttle" AristotleThe Philosopher
Powers: walkingWeaknesses: some people think maybe he could have taught Alexander the Great a little more about diplomacy
Notes: The high quality of this product is ensured by the four causes at work in the manufacture of the toy: the plastic, the assembly line robots, the designers' creative ideas, and the profit from retail sales to spoiled children. Also, the following reasoning establishes that children will love the Aristotle action figure: All Philosophical Powers® figures are totally awesome. This toy is a Philosophical Powers® figure. Therefore, this toy is totally awesome.
Plato circa 427-347 B.C.E.
Nationality: Athenian
Group Alliances:"Angry" Ancients"Rabid" Realists"Ragin'" Rationalists
AKA: Sado-PlatoPlay-Doh®Plato the Great-oPlato Never Late-oPlato Makes Ya Wait-oPlato Ya Love to Hate-oPlato Seals Yer Fate-oPlato Puts Ya in a Crate-oPlato Ships Ya Freight-oPlato The Pain Will Not Abate-oPlat-OH NO!
Powers: talented dramatist, invulnerable skin
Weaknesses: his mentor was executed early in Plato's career, leaving him to come up with some pretty weird stuff on his own
Notes: Comes with Plato's Guide to Shadow Puppets: step-by-step instructions on how to make fun and convincing animal shapes with nothing more than your hands and a bright light! This fully-illustrated booklet includes Bunny, Dog, Bird, and Many-Headed Beast. Plato figures are left unpainted, in deference to the popularly held notion that classical statuary was white rather than flamboyantly, gaily colored (notice the intimidatingly creepy empty-eye effect this creates).
